How Magnetic Leaders Handle Toxic Behavior

I sat in a room last week with people who didn’t see my worth.

I sat quietly while observing the themes that were playing out with each person at that table.

This was the second time I had met with them and it felt like their intention was to make the newest person in the room feel small - to help them feel bigger. 

The first meeting, I decided that I would set a boundary and not allow them to treat me poorly. I held the line and demonstrated for them what it means to lead up. 

They didn’t overtly disrespect me in this meeting because I held my boundary early on. But the sense of superiority still rang throughout the room. And instead of getting upset, I used it as an opportunity to become curious. I felt no need to prove myself or make it my mission to get them to ‘like me’ as I would have in my 20s and 30s.

No, this time I felt calm confidence in knowing that the way I was being treated had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

Highly successful individuals in their own right, they were all jockeying for position in a hierarchy that they created for themselves.

When each person would try to assert themselves over another, I tried to imagine what pain had brought them to these actions. Was it childhood trauma? Workplace trauma? Who hurt them?

Why did I do that? Because I know that hurt people end up hurting people. And they likely don’t realize they are doing it. Deep in their brains and bodies, they are fighting for survival. Trying desperately avoid the pain of being treated the same way.

That room reminded me of what happens inside organizations every day when insecurity, fear, and unchecked behavior become part of the culture.

I invite you to consider two different perspectives as a leader.

Perspective One: The Individual

Every behavior has a reason behind it. Good or bad. If you are leading with a toxic person on your team, it becomes your responsibility to dig a little deeper and try to understand why the toxic person is behaving that way.

• Why might they be triangulating with other people?
• Why might they be bullying another team member?
• Why has this behavior been allowed to get to this point? 

You could become a detective in this situation to understand why the behavior is happening. In fact, behaviors like this are often like an iceberg. You are only seeing a small piece of the issue above the water. Everything that makes up the behavior lies beneath.

Ask nonjudgmental questions. Show empathy. Seek to learn and not judge. 

Research on workplace bullying, incivility, and psychological safety confirms what many of us already know from experience: harmful behavior does not stay contained to one person. It spreads through a team, affecting trust, performance, well-being, and people’s willingness to speak up.

Perspective Two: The Team

When these types of behaviors show up in teams, it becomes like a fast growing cancer. Others are actually harmed in its growth.

When another person is bullied at work (or at any time) in their lives, it changes their nervous system. They might begin to shrink where they normally stood out. Or, bigger behaviors might begin to emerge from them.

• Teams that were close before, begin to fragment and trust goes away.
• Their focus on the vision of the organization begins to blur.
• Customer service begins to fall - with those you serve and with each other.
• Key performance indicators drop. Money begins to erode.
• Highly valued team members move on.

The toxic person/people begins to grow into a monster when they realize their power because they finally feel significant.

The Big Picture

Now that you better understand the bigger picture, you hopefully have more compassion for all involved.

If you don’t have authority in a situation like I didn’t, leading is all about your reaction. 

1. Treat others better than they treat you. This philosophy can take you far in life if you use it wisely. Hint - it doesn’t mean be a door mat.
2. Ask good questions to help others think more deeply.
3. Don’t spend more time than necessary in rooms where you are treated poorly. This does not help anyone grow. It only feeds egos.
4. Teach people how to treat you. If you allow poor behavior, it will continue to get worse. Set your boundary, and defend it firmly but kindly.

Authority Can't Sit Back

Conversely, as a leader with authority you can’t just sit with this newfound knowledge and not act. You must speak up and deal with the situation head on.

And no, you can’t hope it away because behaviors don’t go away without help.

It's time to communicate with the toxic individual. Here is how you can do it:

1. Name the behavior without judgement and saying the word “you”.
2. Tell them what happens to the team when this behavior occurs.
3. Explain the behavior that you expect to see instead. Spell it all out. Never think to yourself - “I don’t need to say that, they should just know how to act”.
4. Provide the consequence for not demonstrating the behavior you laid out in detail.
5. If they change - let them know you see progress. Reinforce good behavior. Don’t celebrate it, acknowledge it.
6. If they don’t change, act swiftly. Don’t keep a toxic person on the team any longer.

A final thought

As women leaders, we could be lifting others up and helping them become successful. If you see a toxic woman leader and you are in a position to help. Please do.

Become a mentor and help the next generation of women lead better. Help them use their voices in a way that serves more than just themselves.

Have a little compassion and curiosity for others. Don’t snap to judgement as we often do these days.

This will make you a magnetic leader worth following.